A Beautiful Dance

You should watch this video. It made me cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SdYuTSbDFg

A Big Adjustment

Aside from discovering that I am lactose intolerant, I have also discovered I have an intolerance for products with gluten in them (wheat, barley, rye). My symptoms where becoming more aggressive, so I've just started cutting bread-products out. What's funny is that one of my friends mentioned that we often crave what we're allergic to - and I can definitely say that I almost always craved pasta and bread. But who knows the validity of that?

Hudson has been such a champ putting up with my lamenting the past few weeks - cake balls, french bread, chocolate chip cookies, muffins, pastries - no more for me. He's started trying gluten free products with me...and I even managed to find some good (but expensive) all-purpose flour that has no gluten. I celebrated by making my first gluten-free oatmeal raisin cookies. They tasted normal too! I've heard that some people cut out gluten just because it's supposedly healthier - but I don't know why they'd go to all the hassle. It's not easy changing your diet in such a dramatic way. But at least I can eat rice.

Saturday evening Hudson took me out to a delicious restaurant called Ruggles Green. When possible, they use organic products, and we came to discover that almost all of their meals where gluten-free! We enjoyed a delicious chicken pizza. The waiters were very conversational, and our meal together only cost about $16 - and that included drinks! If you're in Houston, make the trip, it's worth it.

I'm suprised I didn't crash.

The storm was silent and brilliant. Driving down Beamer from Frankie Carter Randolph Park, I was fronted with a dazzling lightning show. I think what makes Texas sunsets and skies so beautiful is that the land is so flat, you can see more of the expanse above. And I can assure you, this storm would not have been the same any where else but Houston, TX. I was in the right place at the right time. My first thought was that I felt like I was thrown into Disney's Fantasia (which forever has been a secret fantasy for me). I turned my radio station to the classical music station, which enhanced my Disney dream into perfection, and prayed that my drive down Beamer would never end. The storm didn't make any noise, but the lightning still quivered and rumbled before shooting a silvery streak into the somber sky. It was an exciting display of God's terrifying beauty. I wish you could have been there. I recorded a short video clip on my cell phone, but I'm afraid it does so little justice to the actual event, that I'd rather just leave you to your imagination.

What a great night.

The Falsity of Photography

Today I was browsing through some photos on Facebook. Smiles, sunsets, new places, old places, familiar places. My heart started aching to experience the same feelings and emotions those friendly photos seemed to capture. I caught myself comparing my life now to how glorious it seemed to be in previous years.

But then I remembered what happened right before that perfect photo, and what happened in between the albums of June and August. I just didn't have a photo for it. Thank goodness those photos did not have sound clips, because I remember less than godly conversations going on while I pressed the capture button. Well, some of those photos were honestly "golden moments," but in reality, it was the one "golden moment" of the day, or week, or month. All those other moments just weren't accounted for.

It's interesting how we can choose to edit our lives through our pictures. It's as if we choose to water down or completely wash out those mundane days or dry spells in our life. It is like we choose to paint those ugly moments with light pastels, but dip our brush in permanent black ink to paint the glorious moments. I think we all might have a hidden motive behind our profile pictures. We'd like to be remembered a certain way, and we'd like others to think we have our life perfectly wrapped and tied with a ribbon.

I am ashamed to think I carry a perfect facade with a rotten heart underneath. I hope that when people encounter my story, it will not be reflective of my perfect Facebook albums. I pray that they will understand my humanity which is never captured in my photos.

It is good to know that one day I will be living a spotless life. That my record will be wiped clean, and Jesus will show others my photo albums and it won't be a falsity. That will be the best day.

Knitta Please

My first sighting of Knitta Please was here in Houston! Knitta Please is a bunch of knitters who create costume-sized sleeves of fabric and stitch them on objects, handles, sculptures, etc in public areas. Bringing art to the city?

Their blog: http://www.knittaporfavor.wordpress.com/

God is walking with me through a time of grieving my sin. I wanted to share with you my story in poetic form.

I, Your Vessel Of Destruction

I, your vessel of destruction,
Was hardened for your purpose.
You bottled me for your pouring
And withheld the burning coal from my lips.

I, your wolf in sheeps clothing,
Decieved my brother, and devoured your flock.
My seed was sown in the mud
And dried up in the heat of confidence.

I, your self-righteous child
Was shaded with the qiqayon*
And covered with your mercy.
You brought death to the green, my rotting soul.

I handed you the gavel.


*qiqayon - the hebrew word used for the plant that shaded jonah

The Morphing of Fears

Illustration by Matt Mahurin

Fear is a paralyzing state of mind. As a child, I might have been scared of clowns, or heights, or of a tree branch scratching my window. A clown, once a character that stood for foolishness and laughter, has now become a horror movie maniac with a long nails and fangs. Who isn't scared of the movie It? Heights are a very rational thing to be scared of, that possible slip that leads to death or injury. And a tree branch hitting your window at night, that can be extremely startling when you're entering that cozy state of rest. Now, I am not really scared of those things anymore, because I have learned what their "true faces" are. That movie was simply a film writer with a wild imagination, heights are only scary when you are stupid enough to step beyond the railing or unhook yourself from the safety rope, and that startling noise on my window was just the cause and effect of wind. I came to realize that those were irrational fears. Things that could be easily explained with a little education. Then how is it that as adults we can still be tricked, spooked, or terrified? We're more knowledgeable now...so why aren't we fearless?

For me fear has simply morphed from irrational fear to rational fear. Rational fear is something that would make sense to be scared of, something that isn't masked, but just simply is. Rational fears of mine are that of evil, emotional pain, and the unknown/future. I fear the paranormal and breaking down into tears. I can especially work myself into a paralyzing state of fear by cycling through every negative "what if" scenario my mind can project into the future. These are all subjects that cannot be so easily predicted and I cannot always wrap my mind around them. It is rational to be afraid of something that cannot be explained with logic or by simply turning the light on.

But here is the best news ever. I have discovered that what God has to offer us conquers both my rational and irrational fears. When I sit back and remind myself of how enormous God's strength, power, and understanding really are, I can rest and almost chuckle at my fear. Because even if I cannot rationally explain something, it does not mean I have to be afraid, because God has already dissected the situation. There are limits to my logic and reasoning, but God's reasoning and love for me are flawless. It would be terrifying to know that there are things beyond my reasoning and beyond this world if we did not have somebody on our side who understood those mysteries. But we DO have somebody who can worry and think for us when we don't know the next steps.

Fear of anything besides a reverent fear of God is simply a lie. I feel like those who read my blog needed to hear my thoughts on this topic. So please don't stop here. Please read this passage. It's Psalm 91, my go-to when I feel like I am losing my mind with fear.

My Refuge and My Fortress

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the LORD your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge —
10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
12 On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.
14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
15 When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”