God is walking with me through a time of grieving my sin. I wanted to share with you my story in poetic form.

I, Your Vessel Of Destruction

I, your vessel of destruction,
Was hardened for your purpose.
You bottled me for your pouring
And withheld the burning coal from my lips.

I, your wolf in sheeps clothing,
Decieved my brother, and devoured your flock.
My seed was sown in the mud
And dried up in the heat of confidence.

I, your self-righteous child
Was shaded with the qiqayon*
And covered with your mercy.
You brought death to the green, my rotting soul.

I handed you the gavel.


*qiqayon - the hebrew word used for the plant that shaded jonah

The Morphing of Fears

Illustration by Matt Mahurin

Fear is a paralyzing state of mind. As a child, I might have been scared of clowns, or heights, or of a tree branch scratching my window. A clown, once a character that stood for foolishness and laughter, has now become a horror movie maniac with a long nails and fangs. Who isn't scared of the movie It? Heights are a very rational thing to be scared of, that possible slip that leads to death or injury. And a tree branch hitting your window at night, that can be extremely startling when you're entering that cozy state of rest. Now, I am not really scared of those things anymore, because I have learned what their "true faces" are. That movie was simply a film writer with a wild imagination, heights are only scary when you are stupid enough to step beyond the railing or unhook yourself from the safety rope, and that startling noise on my window was just the cause and effect of wind. I came to realize that those were irrational fears. Things that could be easily explained with a little education. Then how is it that as adults we can still be tricked, spooked, or terrified? We're more knowledgeable now...so why aren't we fearless?

For me fear has simply morphed from irrational fear to rational fear. Rational fear is something that would make sense to be scared of, something that isn't masked, but just simply is. Rational fears of mine are that of evil, emotional pain, and the unknown/future. I fear the paranormal and breaking down into tears. I can especially work myself into a paralyzing state of fear by cycling through every negative "what if" scenario my mind can project into the future. These are all subjects that cannot be so easily predicted and I cannot always wrap my mind around them. It is rational to be afraid of something that cannot be explained with logic or by simply turning the light on.

But here is the best news ever. I have discovered that what God has to offer us conquers both my rational and irrational fears. When I sit back and remind myself of how enormous God's strength, power, and understanding really are, I can rest and almost chuckle at my fear. Because even if I cannot rationally explain something, it does not mean I have to be afraid, because God has already dissected the situation. There are limits to my logic and reasoning, but God's reasoning and love for me are flawless. It would be terrifying to know that there are things beyond my reasoning and beyond this world if we did not have somebody on our side who understood those mysteries. But we DO have somebody who can worry and think for us when we don't know the next steps.

Fear of anything besides a reverent fear of God is simply a lie. I feel like those who read my blog needed to hear my thoughts on this topic. So please don't stop here. Please read this passage. It's Psalm 91, my go-to when I feel like I am losing my mind with fear.

My Refuge and My Fortress

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.
9 Because you have made the LORD your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge —
10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
12 On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.
14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
15 When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”